Idle Thinking

How long do you daydream in a day? Probably not as much as me. Ever daydreamt so much that your life felt like a dream & your dream felt like the reality? Somehow I recall going through that before. However, most of the other times, I just get distracted by my daydreaming. While my body is going clockwork, my mind is wandering far & away. I am completely aware of my thoughts but I can never remember what my body did during that time. I just roughly recall going into the bathroom, went through a Physics lecture at Caltech on atomic teleportation, then stepped out of the bathroom. Then after that I'll be frantically trying to recall if I did wash behind my ears. That's just a day in my schedule; most of the other days I have karaoke sessions. I just get carried away so easily. You would think that my ability to maximise my brain usage when doing mundane activities is a blessing. I'm not special or anything like that, it's just that my brain likes to work in funny shifts.

My Mum has always nagged me for having erratic & "disruptive" timetable for my daily activities. Sleep at 4AM, eat breakfast at 12noon, & supper as sumptuous as a dinner at 11PM. I can't help it, my brain works that way too. When people talk to me, my brain switches to "Hibernation" mode, & only hours after the conversation does it spring to life with ideas & responses. I feel helpless & sometimes hopeless that I have, not the lack of analytical & communication skills, but the delay in their execution, and thus the resulting effort expired in time. & try as I might, I can never overcome the problem. I am unable to converse spontaneously, & the inconvenience I'm facing is driving me to combust spontaneously. Heh. Bam. I wonder if anyone else faces the same problem. Probably when you are nervous, or trying too hard. I have to try too hard all the time.

Actually, I once found the solution to my problem. There is this one person who had made me felt totally at ease talking to her, unpretentious & easy-coming. Had, used to. I can remember it had something to do with my self-confidence & an acceptance of my personality. She just made me felt sure of my own words, when I don't have to be so conscious of what others are thinking about me. But as fast as I got it, I lost it too. But that would be another big unsettled mafia business for another episode of ranting.

Before I started blogging, I had fears of rejection & all the rubbish. Of course the issue of teenage insecurity has been beaten to death (well, everyone was once a teenager), but I just hope that someone would say it to my face straight, "You are not the only one craving for acceptance, everyone else is the same!!!". It's just that everyone else (& most probably me... yes, definitely me too) appears so confident on the outside. No one would ever turn despo & claw onto his friend & say "Be my friend! Don't ever leave me I need this friendship too much & you're the only guy that thinks I look cool although I know you truly don't..." Maybe I AM thinking too much... but somehow I just get this feeling, that in some point of time, everyone would be that insecure. You want others to accept you, & when they do, you question their sincerity & truthfulness. But that hasn't helped me accept myself, because although I know the problem, I don't know how others deal with it. But then again, that doesn't really matter. Because what others know, I can't accept. I need someone to psycho me & drill it into my skull and brainwash me. It takes one hell of an effort to inject some pride & self-confidence into me. So once again, can someone say it to my face again? It's times like this, I wish I have my friend back again by my side, by the phone, every night sometime during this hour...

Anyways, by setting a blog online in the wide open field, I wish to conquer one of my biggest fears, of communicating with people and gaining understanding. Learn to acceptance rejection, face them & counter them, or take compromises. I have been trying so hard to be a "good boy". It sucks to the very core & I'm sure everyone must know that. I'm the quiet one during family gatherings, the one with good results since young & lots of praises from relatives. Engage with people with much reservation & respect. I just cannot take criticism, since I didn't have to deal with much when I'm young. I was brought up the "perfect" way & I behaved exactly that way. But for what? When you're young, school teachers praise you as "courteous & smart". But this dumbass straight-ruled respect will grow up to become pretentious, hypocritical behaviour. That I am trying so hard to grow out of. & leads to deliberate delinquent behaviour, trying so hard to break the chain and stuff. Many times I thought to myself smugly, "to heck with what people think", & sinking deeper & deeper into oblivion; that I am actually being more & more influenced by what others think of me. & this gross delusion over the years, along with the confused state of perceived acceptance, I have turned to the dark side... ok, I have turned pessimistic & morbid. I just wish the whole world dead. Blow up every figure on the street like they're just some inanimate dolls. Schools of similar thoughts. In my blindness, these thoughts of mine fed my ego & propelled my negative sense of pride high above. Once I craved for others' acceptance, now I feel these psychological needs with my own praises. I lost the aim to excel, to strive, or even have an aim. Questions like "What is Life?"... sigh. Yes, the big sigh... I was ranked 8th in Secondary 1. By Sec 3, I have dropped to 22nd. This isn't any big revelation; anyone can access my results through my academic reports. I have become playful in secondary school, but the key problem (or as I've figured) is that all my change in attitude & playfulness when there is a lack of supervision is all because of that. That, meaning my "overcontrolled" childhood & the subsequent lack of guidance & psychological aid in my adolescence.

I actually had an outbreak because of this issue before. I just cracked, because, then I realised, that all the schooling & being together actually didn't amount to anything, & I just felt no true friendship or that they're pretentious & not worth putting in effort for. But then they asked me to sacrifice so much, & to work together with them. That night I just broke down. But I was lucky again, for I have a strong girl who stood by me all along that night. I'm always lucky to have really good friends around. =] (There goes my first smile in this depressing confession).

The first step to improve my communications with others is to be truthful to them. & by setting up this blog, I wish to tell to my friends what I couldn't have, in person. To sit down & calmly read through, what you have never known of me, & things that I have yearned to clarify, but can't. I just need to let those who read this know, you are very important to me, & that our relationship has lasted through so much & so long. I had kept our feelings, no matter is it friendship or love, going on although I am holding on to so much unnecessary burden. I just hope that after you know more about me, you will want to continue the relationship as much as I have. Give me your assurance, ok? =]

Well, I guess now my 21st year is finally starting to make a difference.